Sex for Christmas!

Being married is pretty great. Now, if I cook dinner, somebody else gets to do the dishes! Not to mention the inarguable benefit of having two paychecks as opposed to one. And a partner for walking the dog. Someone to shower with; saves water.

By far, though, the greatest benefit of marriage is the sex. It should come as no surprise to anyone that sex is one of my favorite things. Although I was no slouch in my wild-and-single days, it’s the simple truth that sex while married is a) more frequent and b) better. Especially if you marry a Frenchman, as I did. I highly recommend it!

Having a French husband comes with its own set of rewards and challenges; like any relationship, except we can mostly chalk down our disagreements to cultural habits and translation errors. He still stays connected to what’s happening across the pond. And this year he found an absolute treasure: the erotic advent calendar!

This little gem works just like a traditional advent calendar. You know; the little windows numbered for each day of December, from the 1st to the 24th. In my childhood, we knew a delicious candy waited behind each of those windows, and the best was always Christmas Eve. Later, it was cute little pictures of candles, or carolers, or wreathes, or bells, and a Nativity scene for the last day. The erotic advent calendar is SO much better! Instead of candy, you get a sexy surprise every day.

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Hohoho indeed!

Sweet little sex toys, lubricants, and all kinds of naughty suggestions — in French, English, and German, no less — await the adventurous couple! Needless to say, our advent season is going to be way more fun. I haven’t looked forward to Christmas this much since I was a kid.

Interested? The good news is you can get on the Amorelie mailing list, so you can be sure to order your sexy calendar for next year. The bad news? It’s currently only available to ship in Europe. (We had my brother-in-law mail it to us; it’s good to have French connections!)

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Thank God the Europeans keep coming up with the best sexy ideas. All that paid vacation time must be good for something!

That means — HELLO American purveyors of sex toys and other goodies! — there’s a serious marketable opportunity here! My husband did his best to find a comparable product in the States, and no luck.  smell a business op! Who’s feeling entrepreneurial? I’m telling you, best countdown to Christmas ever.

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An Overindulgence in Wine and Passion

So I enjoy a drink from time to time. (All right, pretty frequently). After a long day at work, it’s just so nice to come home, have a glass of wine, or a cider or beer, and if it was an especially tough day something with rum in it. Plus, as Hemingway discovered, a little bit of alcohol releases all those creative juices. Anyway, I’m not ashamed to say that I have about a drink a day, on average. And yes, it’s always good alcohol; you want wine recommendations that are both well priced and tasty, I’ve got ’em! (On a side note, at my last doctor’s visit the MD kindly informed me that Medicare suggests no more than 3 drinks per week. Hilarious! They must not have a very stressful job… or else they’re on some other kind of drug.) In short, I’m neither a lightweight nor a drunkard, just a one-glass-a-day kind of gal.

Except for Friday night. There were four of us, and in the course of the evening we started with champagne cocktails, then moved onto finishing a bottle of Thursday’s already-opened white, and after that two delicious reds. At some point the other two went to bed (after a long and fascinating conversation, which was I’m sure in the process of solving all the world’s problems. Too bad I barely remember it), and my husband had tottered off to the hot tub. After going to change into my swimsuit, I realized I couldn’t walk in a straight line. The clasp of my necklace had become Rubic’s-Cube-like in complexity. My head was kind of swimming. To my utter surprise, I realized I was drunk.

What? That doesn’t happen to grown-ups! I hadn’t been this way since an ill-advised experiment with absinthe in 2009. (Word of caution: I do not recommend this. You will end up in bed with somebody you weren’t expecting, and it will be totally weird.) Wow. Drunk. But, okay, I thought, and weaving and hanging on the handrails, I too went to the hot tub. My husband and I lasted about five steamy minutes in the water before taking our light-headed, befuddled, totally inebriated selves up to bed.

Where, to my thrill and delight – and of course without really knowing what was going on, thanks to the Cabernet – we dove into sexual explorations way crazier than anything we’d done before, even in those heady getting-to-know-you days of years ago. (And no, I won’t tell you what they were; I’m not THAT pervy! Also, I think I forgot some of it…) Suffice to say that this was a delicious reminder of how a person can surprise you, even after being married for a while and having seen all his dirty laundry. It was a ridiculous amount of fun.

Of course we slept badly and woke up cotton-mouthed, dehydrated, and hung-over. Blearily, in the morning, we agreed that we should definitely do that again… only without the wine.

Yet the wine was what started it all. Overindulgence, letting yourself go, can be exactly what you need sometimes. Go ahead, get drunk. Be surprised at what you might do. Wine takes away expectations and opens doors to all kinds of possibilities. Just don’t do it very often. And believe me, you should stay away from absinthe.